Everyone needs a go-to joke that they're ready to use in any situation. You probably have your favorite knock-knock jokes or the-chicken-crossed-the-road jokes, but sometimes you need to step up your game a bit; say, when you're at an office party or at your cousin's wedding. But you definitely don't want to be like your weird uncle who always makes things inappropriate. You also can't be that annoying coworker who takes too long to get to the point.
To help your quest in breaking awkward silences and impressing everyone at your next shindig, here are some short and clean jokes submitted by internet users everywhere. Disclaimer: Puns ahead—stay away if you're too cool for puns.
Don't forget to check the comment section below the article for more interesting stories!
#1 Let's Hit The Ground Running With Flip-Flops
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
#2 A Majik Boye
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
#3 This One Really Hooks You In
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands.
#4 This One Steals The Show
#5 And Sometimes I Say Things More Than Once...
#6 This Isn't Where I thought It Was Going
#7 Her Lips Are Sealed (But Actually)
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
#8 Show Some Respect, Man.
A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.
The librarian says, "This is a library."
The man, says, "Oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips."
#9 Part One Of The Strangest Situation Ever
What happened to the man running behind the car?
He was exhausted.
#10 And Part Two Is Even Better
What happened to the man running in front of the car?
He was tired.
#11 Hopefully This Helped Him Change His Outlook
I had to get an eye exam the other day but I made an appointment with an optimist by accident. All he could tell me was that my glasses were half-full.
#12 Just Let Them Go Play
Somebody once told me to stop playing Smash Mouth.
I said, "Hey now..."
#13 Sounds Like Their Home Life Is Complicated
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
#14 Helpful.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said "40."
#15 Saving This One For Cinco De Mayo
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres.
#16 This Drug Dealer Has A Versatile Business Strategy
I bought some shoes from a dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
#17 Hopefully No One Flew Off the Handle
#18 This Joke Isn't Very Deeply Rooted
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
#19 A Tale As Old As Time
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
#20 There's An Elephant In The Room
I bought my friend an elephant in his room.
He said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."
#25 Should've Read The Product Reviews
#22 A Light-hearted joke.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
#23 They Didn't Have To Dig Too Deep For This Joke
I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. They told me, "Cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water."
I know they meant well.
#24 Duh, Get Your Head Out Of The Gutter
A stick.
#25 What Are Those Four Guys On Horses Doing Over There?
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
#28 Totally Not Self-Aware
(That means I talk down to people.)
#29 A Lot Of People Go In And Out Of This Program
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
#30 This Bar Doesn't Serve Punch
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
The bartender says, "If you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
#31 Honestly This Is My Favorite From the Whole List:
Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
#32 Old Pirate
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
"Aye matey."
#33 Being A Body Guard Isn't All It's Quacked Up To Be
The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the President is in danger. Instead of yelling "Get down!" They have to yell, "Donald, duck!"
#34 They're An Enlightening Crowd To Hang Out With
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a pretty obscure number, you probably never heard of it.
#35 Hopefully This One Doesn't Go Over His Head...
What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs.
#36 Not That close! Darn it, Not Again!
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
#37 We Need A Dog-Sized Parachute
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the heck out of their dogs.
#38 He Just Wants A Competition That Displays His Strengths
Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest. Upon arrival, he realized he misunderstood the objective.
#39 Kids These Days
The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
#40 Afterwards, You Can Play Bloody Mario in the Bathroom Mirror
How do you talk to Italian spirits?
With a Luigi board.
#41 Just Counting the Days Until Their Release...
Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They both got six months.
#42 Eggs-actly What He Ordered
Why does a Frenchman only have one egg at breakfast?
Un oeuf is enough.
#43 I Heard It's A Bird's Course
Owl-gebra.
#44 It's Not Paranoia If They're Actually Following You
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.
Librarian: "They're right behind you!"
#45 Self-Awareness
What do we want? CLICKBAIT!
When do we want it? The answer will shock you...
#46 Wheel Done
Did you hear about the invention of the wheel? They say it started a revolution.
#47 Always Ahead Of The Game
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
#48 How To Steal Someone's Shoes
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/153330107-56a866b85f9b58b7d0f27d40.jpg)
#49 Cole's Law
"Have you heard of Murphy's Law?"
"Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong."
"What's about Cole's law?"
"No."
"It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream."
#50 The Rabbi Barista
How does a rabbi make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
#51 Gotta Love Oasis
Give a man a guitar, and he'll have music for a day, but teach a man the guitar, and today's gonna be the day that we're gonna throw it back to you.
#52 No Love For Koala
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
#53 Game, Set, Match
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
#54 Oopsie Daisy
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. He didn't see it coming.
#55 Pretty Straightforward
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
Shopee
#56 Orange You Clever
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" and I said, "No it doesn't."
#57 Oh, Science
Tell me a joke about Potassium.
K.
#58 Buddhist Theory
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
#59 Gone Too Soon
Rest in peace, boiling water. You will be mist.
#60 What's A Hard Drink?
A man was hit in the head with a soda.
Good thing it was a soft drink!
