Little kids are so cute! They smile and drool, laugh at anything, and when they start talking, they sound hilarious as they learn how to say new words. But sometimes their inexperience can make innocent words sound wildly inappropriate. Plus, with their lack of filter, kids will say anything that comes to their mind even if they’re unintentionally offensive. From crying wolf to spilling mommy’s secrets, these embarrassing children will make you think twice underestimating how much damage cute little kids can do.
1. Time Will Tell
My boy, when he was learning to talk, said “cock” instead of “clock.” He was infatuated with them and would point and scream, "Cock! Cock!" One day, we were in shopping and went down the clock aisle, and the next thing I heard was him screaming, "There are cocks everywhere!"
2. Learned It Online!
When my sister was about five, my mom really liked a series on YouTube about a skeleton puppet thing. She let me and my sister watch it too. I don't really remember it, but he said "SILENCE, I END YOU" a lot. My sister thought that was the funniest thing, so whenever anyone would ask her something, it was always funny.
She'd respond with, "SILENCE, I END YOU." We weren't allowed to watch it anymore after she yelled that out at church.
3. How’d You Ernie This Job?
My mom and I were at a store, and I was wandering around aimlessly while she shopped. Suddenly, she heard me yell, "MOMMY, COME HERE, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!" She came over to the children's department and found me pointing at a little person. He was an employee of the store. "LOOK, MOM, THIS IS SO COOL!" while pointing.
She didn't know what to say. "Oh, yes, he works here! He gets to come here every day, that IS cool!" I said, "No, Mommy, I mean it's cool because he's a MUPPET." She apologized, grabbed my arm, and ran away.
4. Guess What?
I was in kindergarten, and every day when the parents picked up their kids from school, they needed to do "sign out." I was standing at the teacher's desk with my dad while he signed me out and made idle chit chat with the teacher. She glanced at me, and I felt like I needed to contribute something to the conversation.
I just blurted out, "My daddy sleeps with nothing on." I think it was something I had only recently discovered and thought it was just a fun fact. My dad was mortified.
5. Baby Brains
When my son was three, we went to Jamba Juice. It was packed, of course. As I was ordering, he squirmed out of my hand and went about 20 feet away from me, proceeded to walk back and forth throwing his arms around, and yelled at the top of his little lungs. He looked like a crazy homeless person. I was completely mortified.
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6. Pink and Erect
My wife and I had her brother and his girlfriend over for dinner. While we’re chatting over coffee, our young son walked up to the table and stood my wife’s pink silicone vibrator on a placemat and went, ''What's this, Daddy?” He burst out laughing. My wife was utterly embarrassed. The girlfriend looked everywhere except for the table.
I just picked it up and said to my son, ''That's Mommy’s. Shall we put it back?” It was soon forgotten.
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7. At Mom’s Expense
When I was a kid, my mom and I went to the grocery store. As we're checking out, the cashier gave my mom the total, and my mom started writing out a check. I look at her confused and asked rather loudly, "But mommy, I thought you said you didn't have any money in the bank?"
8. Proud of My DaDDy
When I was in the 2nd grade, there was an anti-drinking and driving campaign. I didn't understand the concept, so after the teacher said, "I hope none of your parents drink and drive," I raised my hand proudly and said that my dad did. My dad drank Coke, and I didn't know the difference between Coke and any other cans.
All I knew was they were brown, bubbly, and I wasn't allowed to drink it. Come to think of it, what is the point of a drinking and driving campaign in elementary school?
9. Barely Making It to Home Base
I was a little punk as a kid. When I was around 4 or 5, I wasn’t wearing any clothes, and I had managed to run out of the house. I ran as fast as I could down the street, but my father was faster than I was, and he’d caught me. As soon as he picked me up, I started yelling, "YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!”
I kept yelling, “I NEED HELP! HELP! CALL SOMEBODY!” Now, we lived next door to a baseball field, and there happened to be a group of kids at baseball practice along with all their parents. So, imagine my father carrying his five-year-old daughter who wasn’t wearing clothes and screaming her head off about being kidnapped.
My father just kept repeating, "No, really, she's my daughter," in the face of all the angry, glaring baseball parents.
10. Laying It Out
I was 5 and my brother was 7, and my mom was in a minor car accident while driving us. It was just a rear end bump, but both cars pulled over and waited for somebody to come. The man asked my mom if there was anyone else in the van, and she nodded, so he asked her to open the door. My brother and I wanted to play a joke.
We thought it would be hilarious to drape ourselves over the car seats and be “lifeless” when they opened the door. So, when my frazzled mom and the guy looked into the van, they saw my brother and I sprawled on the seats, eyes closed, and not moving. She was mortified. I do believe we started laughing, so it was okay.
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11. Say It to My Face
My brother was playing T-ball, and I was about five years old at the time. My mother was talking to my brother's friend's mother and some other mothers. This mother happened to be deaf, but read lips and spoke. I didn’t know what deaf was then or didn't pick up that she was. My brother's friend took a baseball to the face.
His cheek was swollen. Someone yelled, "You okay?" The friend replied back, "I'm fine!" but had a very swollen-mouthed accent to it. That’s when I unwittingly blurted out the most offensive thing. Five-year-old me decided to yell back, "No you're not! You sound like your mother!" My mother added, "We were all just glad she couldn't hear you say that and pretended it didn't happen."
12. Little Gas Leak
I have two girls, 10 and 9. I decided to gather up their cousins, my niece and nephew, and took them to go see a movie. The theater was moderately full, and it was the daytime, so children weren't minded too much. That was until my 9-year-old decided to test everybody's noses and unleash a series of really gross toots.
These would make a grown man with a beefy bean burrito addiction cry. She continued with no regard to the people behind us really, and I told her to tell me if she had to use the bathroom. Nope, did not work. She kept quiet covering them with laughs up until I flat out asked, "Little girl, do you need the toilet?”
“I'll take you to the bathroom, please stop!" Of course, she didn't. She was releasing silent but deadly ones, little poppers, and big whomps. I seriously started to think she did it on purpose. The people behind us moved, and as soon as ending credits went, we high-tailed it out of there. She didn't need the bathroom.
I had a long discussion about her gas habits. But good lord, that was the worst.
13. Like What You See?
My little sister loved dress up! One day, my mother had a group of guys in her bathroom laying tiles. My sister, having the time of her life, walked in wearing my mom's laciest and most revealing lingerie. Oops...
14. Prove It
My dad once told me about the time he took me to a grocery store to go grocery shopping, and I ended up wandering off and started screaming, "HELP" as loud as I could when he found me. I was a blonde fair-skinned kid, and my dad was a tall Greek/Italian with dark hair and tan skin. Security ended up restraining my dad.
They couldn't believe we were related, and my mom had to be called over to confirm that I was his daughter.
15. Muffin You Should Say
At a bakery near my house, my sister asked my mom, "That man has big bum. How does he fit on the toilet?" He heard and so did everyone else in the store. My mom found a new bakery to get her bread from.
16. Throwing Me to the Carb
I had a summer romance years ago with a German guy. We reconnected on Facebook. He came to visit. He, I, his 14-year-old daughter, and my 12-year-old son all go out for a meal. We had garlic bread to start, but I passed on it. The German guy asked me to try. I said, “Oh, I'm not eating bread at the moment,” while fluttering my eyelashes.
My son blurted out, “Yeah, she ate a load of it last week, and she was making serious toots in the car the whole day!” The German guy fell off the seat laughing.
17. Saying It Wrong
When I was four, I was cranky and at the post office with my dad. I was leaning against his leg. Out of the blue, loudly enough for everyone to hear, I said in a whiny voice, “Daddy, I want to put your pee-pee in my mouth.” He just about pooped a brick and didn’t know what to say or do. Everyone who had heard was looking at us. Somehow, his reply was even worse than what I’d said.
He told me: "Honey, we don't talk about that in public."
18. All Over the Papers
I, as a good uncle, thought to bring my nephews to see a movie. They were both pretty young at the time, 4 and 6, and we were going to see some Pixar movie I can’t remember the name of. I brushed my sister’s warning that my youngest nephew was experiencing a "nervous stomach" off with blatant disregard; I’d never even heard of it.
We got there, and we started off with soft-serve ice cream followed by caffeinated pop. Mix in a few "picking them up and swinging them around" moments, and you can see where this is going. 10 minutes in, the youngest started squirming around on his seat. I thought nothing of it, but it was like his chair was on fire.
I still thought nothing of it. 15 minutes later, he's standing up dancing. I asked if he's ok. He insisted that he was fine. Big mistake. Huge. 20 minutes later, I reached for the back of his neck to help guide him to sit down, and it's wet. The theater was dark, my hand was wet, and I’d no idea what could be wet on the back of his neck.
I dismissed it as soda or something and wiped it on the back of his shirt like a proper uncle. 23 minutes in, he yelled, "I got the diarrhea!" at full little kid volume. My older nephew laughed, the people in the theater started snickering, and I used a lifetime worth of self-control to stop from swearing in mid-shout.
Shoot. I couldn't leave one nephew there while I took the other one to the bathroom. We’re in the middle of a packed theater, in the middle seats, in the middle section. I was surrounded. Suddenly, the younger nephew shouted it out again, "I got the diarrhea!" Only this time for bonus measure, I saw a fountain of poop.
It was spewing up from the back of his shirt collar. So, I said the only thing one can say in that situation, yelled it, grabbed a nephew under each arm like footballs, and ran out of the theater. I've got the younger nephew tilted upward a bit to keep the poo from leaking everywhere, but every step is just ultra-hazardous.
My thigh was pushing his body into my arm, spraying the folks in front and behind me. Nothing massive, but enough for people to literally be pooped on. I got to the bathroom, placed him in the stall, removed his shirt, and there was literally liquid poo from the top of his neck to the bottom of his feet and in his shoes.
It literally ran down his leg. I just stood there utterly in disbelief. I counted to five, gave myself over to the fear of this mess, and then gathered myself and just started cleaning. I had my older nephew going for soap and paper towels, and I literally had to give the poor little guy a paper shower to get him cleaned.
We cleaned off his clothes and tried to dry them off with the hand drier. He had to put everything back on so we could leave. All of this chaos happened, and the poor kid didn't even see the movie. I dropped him off to my sister and said, "Don't ask. Don't YOU EVEN ASK...Nervous stomach...next time, be clear. Say diarrhea."
19. Turning Up the Volume
When I was about 10, we had a group parent night to have "the talk." Before they started, they asked the students if anybody had questions about anything that could be answered later. Being a little smart aleck, I stuck my hand up and asked, "What are the loud noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's bedroom at nighttime?"
I don't believe I have ever seen my father so red and embarrassed in his life. It was awesome.
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20. You Go, Girl!
I was 10 at the time and with my mom at an event when my dad was overseas and had been for a few months. My little brother was in the grass doing whatever four-year-olds do. I was at that awkward stage where I didn't know how I was supposed to behave, and I wanted a big sister so bad! I wanted to act like the girls on TV.
The ones who played jokes on their big sisters and whatnot. So, I was sitting in a room with a ton of ladies talking to my mom asking her how she's handling my dad's deployment when I burst out with, "Oh she's just fine! She's been talking to her boyfriend all the time!" The silence tipped me off that I made a mistake.
I had launched myself into the biggest trash fire of my life thus far. I immediately started laughing and said I’d seen girls on TV say it and I was just kidding. My mom never really hung out with those ladies again. I feel pretty bad about it since there was obviously no boyfriend, and I was just an idiot. Sorry, Mom!
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21. Bringing You Down
My dad used to pinch my fat face all the time when I was about five, and I hated it. One day, we went to the park, and he pinched my face and then walked off. Angrily, I began searching for him to get my revenge. I saw him talking to a group of people, so I ran up to him and pantsed him. I pulled his underwear off too.
22. High Levels of Concentration
I was with my 18-month-old godson in a restaurant. All was pleasant, and he was happy, babbling away. When all of a sudden, his face turned red, and he started curling out some seriously constipated poos in his diaper. He did this and ensured to make all the grunting, pushing, and heaving noises for everyone else to hear!
23. B-Rated Parenting
I was nine, and I'd gone roller-skating with my friends and my church ministers; two of the girls in the group were his daughters. My friends and I were standing around bragging about how grown-up we were and what bad things our parents let us do because we’re so mature. At the time, I didn't get what an adult rating was.
I just knew it was worse than an 'R' rating, and I figured it just meant a SUPER grown-up movie. Hoping to impress my friends, I said something like, "My mom and dad let me watch adult-rated movies with them all the time!" Our minister was standing just a few feet away and definitely heard me. My parents weren't there.
But even years later, when I told them, they were MORTIFIED even though our minister moved away like 20 years ago. It still makes me feel like a huge punk.
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24. A Bit Off Track
My 2.5-year-old son was going through a bit of a train phase. He went nuts whenever we passed by trains, wanted to watch Thomas the Train all day, etc. It should come as no surprise that he had latched onto a toy train as his favorite toy. The toy was the train named Percy from Thomas the Train show. He clung to Percy.
Everywhere we’d go, he had to hold Percy, but he’s also quite clumsy still. Any moment he dropped Percy, it's a mad dash to get the train back to him. The problem was that he couldn't quite enunciate the word Percy. Instead, he cried out the naughty word—yup, the one that also means cat—or rather, sobbed it out at the top of his lungs. Over and over.
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25. Sunday Scheming
When my daughter was younger, I was still in contact with my mom, and she would spend the night on Saturdays with her due to my work schedule. Then, on Sunday mornings, she would go to church with her. About five months in, my mom came home to tell me that my daughter had apparently told everyone in church that I was gone.
No one ever questioned her, since they had never met me and she had only gone to church with my mom. I guess it came up in Sunday school when they were making Mother’s Day cards, she didn't want to make one for me, and she told them I was gone. My daughter was smart enough even at four to know that I thought church was a joke.
And so, she didn't want to participate in making me church crafts. I could NOT stop laughing. The only thing that topped this was when she got up and had an argument with the preacher over Easter because he was just not understanding that Jesus was a zombie.
26. Spinning It Right
When my son was about eight and coincidentally, shortly before we discovered he's red-green colorblind, I let him pick his own outfit before going with me to run some errands on a Saturday. He wore a plaid shirt, different-plaid shorts, red cowboy boots, and a rainbow-striped beanie hat with a propeller on top. It was truly amazing.
27. Do’s and Don’ts
When I was small, my mom would give me small taps on my bum to tell me I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do. At Disneyland, a complete stranger offered me candy. My mother immediately whisked me away and took me to the bathroom to explain why I must never accept candy from strangers or talk to them in general.
Being the three-year-old and having no clue what was going on, I screamed the worst thing possible: "Don't hit me! Don't hit me! I'm sorry!" I wonder what my mom felt like as we exited the crowded bathroom.
28. Almost Dropped It
When my brother was young, he learned to say a certain phrase with a bad word, but he would pronounce it, "aww-sheeee." He would say it all the time whenever he dropped something. So, there my mom was sitting in the kingdom hall when my brother dropped the Bible. It was completely silent, and all you heard was, "aww-sheee."
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29. I Have Questions
My son, then five, asked loudly in church if Jesus had a pee-pee. Everyone turned around and stared. Even the minister stopped talking. I simply said, "Yes, all boys do." And then he asked if he was circumcised, this time not as loudly, but everyone was paying attention at this point. I said we'd look it up when we’re home.
He opened his mouth for another question, and I picked him up, and we left. People at the church still laugh about it.
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30. Whatcha Got Under There?
When my son was around three years old, he went to daycare at the YWCA where I worked out. He had just been potty-trained and was excited to wear "big boy underpants" and usually told everyone at daycare what kind he was wearing that day. So, one morning, the cute guy who I had been flirting with held the door open for us.
My son said, "I'm wearing my Superman undies today." Cute, right? Well, that’s when he got me. He got me good. He then said, "My mom is just wearing big, white ones."
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31. False Alarm
When I was around nine, my little sister said she had to show me something in my parent’s closet. So, when the coast was clear, we went in there, and she climbed up on the high shelf and pulled down a toy. This toy looked very realistic, which was how my sister and I knew what it was. We put it back and waited for my dad.
So naturally, when my dad came home from work, I said, "Hey dad, why do you have a fake you-know-what?" I can't even imagine how embarrassed he must've been.
32. Camping Out
When I was younger, my mother took me with her to the bank, and while we were waiting in a massive line of people, I pulled up my mother's skirt as high as possible and crawled under it like a tent. So, everyone in line got a nice show...Sorry, Mom.
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33. What Does This Do?
When my son was around three, he was behind me on the church pew while we stood up to sing. He pulled a tampon from my purse, opened it, and was pulling it apart playing with it. Naturally, everyone on the pew behind me watched the whole thing. I was horrified. Another time, he had made a little paper thermometer in Sunday School. Again, while we’re standing up singing, the lady in front had her skirt stuck in her crack.
This large target was too much of a temptation. He leaned over the pew and tried to get a rectal temp. I'm sure I shooed his hand down right way, but not after people behind us got a big laugh. He has always kept us in stitches.
34. In the Centerfold
When I was really little, maybe four years old, my parents took me grocery shopping with them. I told them I had to pee but they told me to hold it. Eventually, I couldn't hold it anymore, so I went to the magazine section, grabbed a magazine, sat on the floor, and I peed. Then I got up, put it back, and found my parents.
I did not realize that my parents immediately knew from the smell and from the fact that my pants were soaked what I'd just done. They were so embarrassed. But when you gotta go…
35. Getting Wet and Wild
At a wedding reception when I was seven, I pushed another kid about the same age as me into the deep end of the pool. Several adults in their finest clothing had to jump in to save him.
36. A Sweet Loophole
When I was seven, my family was at a church luncheon, and we were making plans to go to the movies with the pastor afterward. I asked if I could have candy while we were at the movie. My mom said no since candy was too expensive. I went, "But we always just go to the dollar store early and buy candy to sneak in, remember?”
I asked, “Can't we do that again?" My mom looked like she was going to explode from embarrassment, but the pastor just laughed. His wife later told my mom that I was their favorite.
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37. Stay in Your Lane
I was teaching my boyfriend’s son to cross the street safely when he was five and explained the red hand and the man walking. "The white man?" he said. "Yes, when that picture comes up, we can walk," I said. At the time, I worked in downtown LA and was taking him home from daycare. A guy rushed by us at the curb intending to jaywalk.
My boyfriend's son yelled out, "Hey! You've gotta wait for the white man to cross!" The potential jaywalking guy was black, and there I was stammering through why the white man didn't mean THE white man. Bummer.
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38. Dramatic Re-Enactment
When I was younger, my family was on an airplane headed to Florida for vacation. I was given a little airplane by one of the flight attendants and was mimicking take offs and landings. What I did next caused the whole plane to look at me. I told my mom that this was our plane and made my toy take off and land smoothly.
Then, I vividly remember telling her this is what happens on TWA flights. I had a nice take off then made extremely loud alarm noises and turbulent maneuvers, and then crashed into the top of the seat with a huge explosion sound. It was not one of my brighter moments in life.
39. Consequences of Betrayal
When I was young, I had a habit of throwing tantrums over little things. Once, my mom made the mistake of allowing me to carry a toy helicopter I wanted to the checkout despite the fact that she had no intention of purchasing it. She had to carry me out of the store screaming and crying. The security guard stopped her.
He thought that she was kidnapping me.
40. Absence Due to Sickness
When I was two or three, my brother was graduating from high school. My dad held me up on his shoulders, and at some point, for some reason, I projectile vomited all over him, his nice suit, and my Barney doll. And then I wouldn't stop screaming. Like, no matter what anyone did, I would not shut up. My dad had to bring me home.
He missed most of the graduation because of the screaming and probably also the puke running down his suit was a distraction. My family never really let me live that one down.
41. Won’t Help Ya
When my dad was young, he once ran away from the babysitter. He started walking through the neighborhood, and he got far enough away that some people picked him up. He was only around five years old at the time, but he knew his own address. The officials asked him where he lived, his phone number, his parent’s names, etc.
He would only respond, "I ain't gonna tell you." Somehow, they got a hold of his mom, who had to come down to the station to get her child. Every time she told the story, she glared at my dad.
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42. Unlively Subjects
Sitting in the front row of a lecture on paleontology and dinosaurs at the local Museum of Natural History with my four-year-old. It wasn’t too crowded, but there were maybe 80 people in attendance. The talk was geared toward kids and sparking their interest with fossils and pictures. Halfway through, the lecturer took a brief pause.
Then, my darling boy leaned over and in his loudest stage whisper said, "BORING!”
43. Part of the Family
While packing leftovers at a restaurant, my nephew leaned over to the waitress. I still can’t believe what he said. He told her, "We're going to take this home for our black girl!" Their two dogs are named Nadia and Suri, but my brother-in-law doesn’t like those names, so refers to each by the color of its fur, white and black respectively. Collectively, they’re "the girls."
I guess the possibility of a misunderstanding never occurred to my brother-in-law when it came to these nicknames. All our faces were red as we stammered to explain to the waitress that we weren't subjugating a young lady of color.
44. Can’t Be Redeemed
This little girl that came into the store where I worked, and the bagger was this 18-year-old girl riddled with acne. She had the worst looking scars you could possibly imagine. Well, this little girl was sitting in the grocery cart while her mom was paying and looked at the bagger, and went, "What happened to your face?"
The bagger said, "Nothing, this is what I always look like! Why?" The little girl’s reply was unforgettable. She just said, "Well, it's bad. Tell your mom it's really bad." The mother paid quickly and ran out. I have never fought the urge to laugh so hard.
45. Closed for the Night
My brother was up when he was supposed to be in bed when he was maybe four, and he went onto the deck to find my parents wearing nothing and sitting in the hot tub. His perfectly understandable reaction was to lock them outside like that. They had to go the neighbor's house to get the key.
46. Funnily Enough
My three-year-old had been proud that he knew the difference between men and women. Before that, everyone had a pee-pee. But not anymore. His greatest joy became yelling at random women that they have a vagina and mommy does too. Then he’d follow up that he has a pee-pee. Luckily, it's gotten all humorous responses so far.
47. What a Great Sport
We went to my brother's basketball game one day, and the bleachers were packed. Mom turned her back for a second to do something. Suddenly, she heard, "Oh my God!" And she turned around to see my three-year-old sister had stripped down and was running around happily waving her hands shouting, "wee," in front of 100 people.
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48. Raising Important Issues
My son pulled the fire alarm in a hospital community center hallway forcing the entire building full of mostly very old people with walkers and canes to evacuate out to cold winter rain. I called the emergency number and explained what happened so they wouldn't send a fire truck. He wasn’t the first toddler to do this.
After a few more toddlers did the same thing, the hospital finally put plastic covers over the fire alarms.
49. The Only Option
My sister was at church one Sunday, and our minister did a weekly children's message to get the kids more involved. This particular week, he was discussing enemies and how to treat them. He asked all the kids, "What do we do to our enemies?" Having grown up playing with my brother, my sister shouted out, “WE END THEM!”
50. Lacking Spatial Awareness
My niece asked a short man with dwarfism if his stuff touched the floor. She had been to a farm, and one of the animals had a very long one that could, in fact, touch the floor. Unfortunately, we were in an elevator at the time going to the 32nd floor, a nice long ride. Another time, I thought I heard my nephew clapping his hands. He was behind me, and I turned to see what he was so happy about, and he was apparently slapping a bald guy’s head instead.
This is the same kid that hid underneath an extremely obese man's stomach. He sat on his feet and tucked himself in really well.
51. Can’t Put My Finger on It
One of my children loves to give the finger pointers. One day, I was talking to a neighbor, and he casually strolled up and stopped to ask if I enjoyed the “fingering” he gave me in the shower earlier.
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52. Looking for the Lily-Livered Beans
I was grocery shopping with my daughter who was then two. She was sitting in the cart and started squinting one eye and yelling, "Arrrrr," like a pirate. She did this a few times. I turned to pick something off the shelf and saw a man behind me wearing an eyepatch. Oops.
53. Anatomy Anomaly
When my middle son was about three, he would constantly point at different people and say "pee-pee" if it was a guy and "vagina" if it was a girl. We tried to get him to stop saying the words in public but eventually figured it would make more sense to not make a big deal out of it and wait for him to be tired of doing it.
We’re at the mall one day, and the cashier was ambiguous looking. I myself was not really sure of their gender until I saw her name tag. My son looked at her and said, "Pee-pee or vagina? Which one?" Surprisingly, she didn't seem offended and said, "I'm a girl." My son responded, "Oh, vagina." The cashier just laughed.
54. Lil’ Sis Envy
I have four kids—three boys and one girl. My daughter is the youngest. She is two, and we recently started working on potty training with her. She asked to go to the bathroom at a restaurant, so I obviously took her. She started asking if she could try standing up to pee like her brothers. I explained why she couldn’t.
I told her that she doesn't have a pee-pee. She started screaming, "I want a pee-pee! Give me a pee-pee!" over and over and over again. It was pretty embarrassing.
55. What Do You See?
As an infant, my daughter had insanely loud and foul old man toots. They were so loud and so heinous that one would be hesitant to believe such wretched nonsense could come from anybody other than the adult she was with. At two, she pointed to every Target symbol as we walked through the store and exclaimed, "Boobies!" Oh, but it doesn’t end there.
At three, she asked a rotund woman who looked to be in her 50s exactly how many babies she had in her belly—prompted by the fact that I was pregnant with my son then. At four, she told people who were having a smoke at building entrances that they smelled bad and were hurting her lungs. Every. Time. I could keep going.
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56. Canary in a Coal Mine
I took my four-year-old daughter who is hard of hearing to the local branch of the public library. After a bit, she said she needed the restroom. The restrooms were at the front near the checkout. The branch wasn't very big. We’d been to the library often, so we let her go by herself. A few minutes later, I heard singing.
The whole library heard singing along with her every grunt. I was so embarrassed! Mortified, really. I later learned from my wife that she trained our kiddo to sing when she went to the restroom so we'd know where she was and that she's okay.
Pikist
57. No Need to Point
My four-year-old daughter is a very polite, very well-spoken little girl, but she's also very...blunt. So, we were in the restroom, and a few stalls down a woman was going to town on that potty. And my daughter very loudly said, "Oh my goodness, Mommy, some lady is pooping! She's pooping SO loud! She has waterfall poops!”
“Maybe I'll take her some extra wipes so she's clean, okay?" And I'm like "Shh! SHH! NO! You're not taking anyone wipes. Just mind your own business." And then she shouted, "Hey Miss Lady, you need to flush! It'll stink less!" That was the day I found out that my husband taught our daughter all about courtesy flushing.
58. What Happens in Privates
When my son was four, we’re waiting in line at Target, and he asked me, “Mama, why do you have a fuh-china and I don't?” I tried to keep my voice down almost to a whisper and said, “Because boys and girls are built differently. But let's talk more about this at home. Did you have a good day at school?” Instead of listening, he goes: “Oh! wait! I know!”
He looked at me and said, “When I turn five, my pee-pee will fall off and THEN I will have a fuh-china. Right?” The cashier and I didn’t know what to say. My son then said, “…or maybe you'll grow a pee-pee?”
59. Getting to the Bottom
My husband and I will playfully slap each other's bums when the other is bent over doing something. I was at the grocery store with my four-year-old daughter. We passed a very large woman bent down looking at a display. My daughter slapped her bum as we went by, and I had to try very hard not to giggle while I apologized.
60. Look at Me!
My sister is 15 years older than me, and loved telling this to embarrass me when I was a teenager. So, when I was two or three years old, I pretty much harassed everybody. I'd approach people who would come over and declare, "I have a tally whacker! Wanna see?" The problem was, the question was completely rhetorical. It was already out.
My tally whacker would clearly be in view and in my hand. There was no "no thanks" option. You were GOING to see my tally whacker. I grew out of this habit eventually, but I still managed to make an extremely cringeworthy one-liner of when I was a teenager, and one of my sister’s friends from high school was visiting.
She hadn't seen us in years. She laughed and recognized me and having been shown my wedding tackle plenty in my younger years laughed and asked if I was still, "parading my tally whacker in front of everyone these days." To which I responded, "Why? Would you like to see?"
61. A Toot Accusation
I was with my two-year-old son shopping at a busy store and had to toot. We went down a vacant aisle to "browse.” I managed to keep the noise down to an extremely soft punt of a slightly underinflated football. IF anyone heard it in the aisle over, they could’ve thought it was anything. Good, we can go on shopping. Nope.
The next thing I heard was my child's voice as giddy as only a two-year-old’s voice can be, "Daddy...you TOOTED! HAHAHA!" Immediately, I went into damage control mode. I had to loudly yell, "No! I didn't!" in between multiple loudspeaker volume accusations to convince any nearby customers. We made our way to leave the aisle.
A lady exiting the isle over briefly looked my way, and I could see her holding in her laugh.
62. Gotta Do What You Gotta Do
We’re once at a restaurant visiting my grandparents, and the waitress was taking our drink order. My brother who was probably seven or eight at the time had just learned about our father's lactose intolerance. The waitress asked for my dad's drink, and he started to say something, which was when my brother interrupted.
And he very seriously said to the waitress, "No matter what he says, do NOT give him milk or else it will make him TOOT." He also once got us kicked out of a theme park when he was 7 because he got separated from my mom somehow and needed to use the washroom. He didn’t think to try to find the actual washroom building.
Instead, he dropped his pants and started peeing into a potted plant. I also used to embarrass her when I was a very small child because I figured out that if we were separated in a store and I started to cry, people would give me candy. So, I learned how to cry on command and would purposefully sneak away to the help desk.
I’d tell them that I'd lost my mommy and start crying. She would inevitably come collect me and find me with a lollipop and a very self-satisfied smile.
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63. Going Green
When my son was in second grade, they made a book about their mothers for Mother’s Day. It was cute, because for a month he would ask random questions about me and would tell me, "In case you’re wondering why I asked, there's no reason." When he brought home the book, I read it, was thrilled…and then noticed the cover.
They had drawn a portrait-like photo of their mothers on the front. It showed me with a huge smile, messed-up hair, and a shirt that said, "Let's Get Lit" on the front. It was in reference to a shirt I had bought their father for Christmas with a lit-up Christmas tree. He conveniently left the tree out of the portrait.
I was mortified! And when I asked him why he did that, his reply was, "You look good in green, and it's the only green shirt I could remember!" I'm sure his teacher's obvious dislike for me was NOT a coincidence.
64. What’s with People Today?
I was cleaning out my garage and had a bunch of stuff in the driveway to pull out the lawnmower for the first mow of spring. While I was driving the mower, I started to notice people driving by slowing down and looking mad at me. It was strange, but I didn't think too much about it. Two different people flipped me off.
A few others yelled, but since I was driving the mower, I could not hear what they were saying. Finally, I couldn't stand it and had no clue why my mowing was upsetting everyone, so I shut the mower off and started to go inside. I was walking by my driveway, which wasn’t visible from where I was mowing. That’s when I realized what was happening.
My five- and six-year-old kids had climbed into my dog’s old cage and somehow locked themselves in. So, it looked to everyone like I locked my kids in a cage while I mowed the lawn. Not cool.
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Sources: Reddit,
