We all have mega-embarrassing moments that make us wish we could join witness protection and never return to the scene where we humiliated ourselves. But not matter how bad we think we may have it...these stories are 100 times worse. From bathroom mishaps to romantic failures, here are the most embarrassing moments these Redditors have ever experienced.
#1 Lickety Split
I once saw a girl holding an ice cream cone in one hand, and her phone in the other. I guess she must have been daydreaming or something, because I then saw her absent-mindedly lick the screen of her phosne instead of the ice cream. When we made eye contact and she realized that I had seen it happen, she looked like she was wanted the earth to swallow her.
#2 Basket Case
When I triumphantly scored in a basketball game when I was eight in front of a whole crowd—only to realize it was on the wrong hoop. I have considered asking my sister to formally sign a non-disclosure agreement.
#3 Mom’s Wand
My mom caught me playing Dungeons and Dragons this one time. Fine, whatever. But what I was holding made it the worst situation ever. I was a ten-year-old wood elf archmage, wielding the "wand" that I found tucked under mommy's bed. I think you can guess what that wand actually was. My mom was absolutely mortified.
#4 DIY Scratching Post
I was in my room after I showered and took off my towel. Me standing there naked found that my nuts were a bit itchy. How might I fix this problem? I looked to the ground and found a Lego. I start doing this—and then all of a sudden my mom bursts in and stands staring at me. She just said, "Okay" and walked out.
Wikimedia Commons, Arto Alanenpää
#5 It’s the Little Things
I scored an interview for a dream job. I did all of my research about the company, bought a new suit, the whole shebang. I gave the man interviewing me a firm handshake, answered all of his questions easily, and felt pretty confident. After finishing the otherwise flawless interview, we shook hands again, and I said, "Thank you sir." To my horror, she replied: "It’s Ma'am."
#6 We Have So Much in Common!
I was really getting into this girl and finally managed to ask her out on a date. When we get there, things are going smoothly. Then I bring up the fact that my grandparents are straight out of Sicily. Then I say they're from a certain town, and she says her parents are from the same town. She goes home and, surprise surprise, she's related to me! We never spoke again.
#7 See You Never
My husband and I were going to Thanksgiving dinner at the house of some of my dad’s family that I only kind of knew. We got there, knocked, and a woman I didn’t recognize let us in. We went into the home and there wasn’t anyone there. There was also no dinner or sign of any event hosting preparations. So we’re making small talk with this lady and I ask when everyone is coming.
She asks what I mean. Turns out we were at the wrong house. The woman just thought we were friends of her husband’s because he would often randomly bring people home, and that we had simply arrived before he did. We left and never mentioned to anyone at the real party that we had been in another house on the way there.
#8 A Pest of a Guest
My wife and I once had a house guest staying with us for a couple of days. On the second day of his stay, I came home early from work. I saw a horrifying sight. Dude was going through my wife's clothing drawers. He had no idea that he was being observed while doing this. Later that evening, I took him aside, told him what I knew, and said it was time for him to go.
#9 A Boatload of Embarrassment
I'm a canoe guide and, being the guide, I'm usually seated at the back of the canoe, steering. On this one particular day, however, because it was a training session and I was with a bunch of my coworkers, I was seated near the front. Now, when I sit at the back. I'll generally check with my finger periodically to see if any plumber's crack is showing.
This works because I’m usually at the back of the boat, so no one can see. However, on this particular day, I accidentally did this in the front out of habit, giving my coworkers at the back of the boat a full showing of me sticking my hand down my pants. One of them promptly shouted out, "I think that's a back-of-boat maneuver!"
#10 Can’t-Miss TV!
When I was about six, I was watching an episode of Pokémon. I had to pee but didn't want to miss anything, so I peed in a trash can. I thought that was super clever at the time but as soon as my mom got home she could smell it. 21 years later she still remembers it and brings it up whenever she sees fit. I’m full of regret.
#11 Midnight Snack Attack
I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up. When he came around the counter into the hall, two things happened simultaneously: He noticed me and his eyes grew wide in horror; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.
He tried to panic-run backward on the tile floor, but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my backside off. Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, "Do you remember that night when..." and he cut me off with, "Yes."
#12 Tick Tock
I came home from a week at Girl Scout camp at 13, and discovered a tick the size of a thumbtack attached to a very private place. I had to go to my mom and get her to help detach it. When she finished, she told me we didn't ever have to talk about this again if I didn't want to. Her tone made it clear that she certainly didn't want to.
#13 A Proper Send-Off
I accidentally tooted very loudly at my grandmother's funeral in the middle of her sister’s eulogy speech. I was 17. Everyone heard it.
#14 Mistaken Identity
My husband and I work at the same small office. We were the first ones in that morning and the other employees usually don’t show up for another hour or so. There’s only one bathroom on our floor, as it’s a small business. Anyway, I had just had some habanero spicy thing the day before and I was in for some punishment on this particular morning.
I’m talking doubled over, clutching your stomach, your gas is fire punishment. I suddenly hear a knock on the bathroom door and I assume it’s my husband. “Hang on, I’m having the habanero squirts—I’ll be out as soon as I can!” I groan out between awful sounds. I hear a female voice awkwardly reply, “Oh...okay.” Sorry, Stacy, for pulling you into my terrible morning...
#15 Let’s Call a Square a Square
About a year into our marriage, my wife and I bought a dining table and chairs. It was our first “real” furniture! My wife was so happy, she posted pictures on Facebook and wanted her mom to look. Well, her mom commented on the phone that it was a nice “oval table.” Wife is immediately upset. "You didn't look," she says. "Yes I did!" her mom insists.
"It's not oval, it's rectangular." "No, it's an oval, I looked." Wife finally gets her mom to actually go look for real. Her mom sees that she is incorrect. But that's not all. She creates this gem: "Well that's what I call it!" “Um, you call rectangles ovals?" This has become a running gag for us. Whenever we lose an argument, we always end it with, "Well, that's what I call it!"
#16 The Brown Pickle
I’d say I was around maybe 3-4 years old. Someone left a poo in the toilet and I remember thinking it looked distinctly pickle-shaped, so in my young child's mind I thought, “Hey! A pickle!” And went to grab it out of the toilet. I realized it wasn’t a pickle when it squished between my fingers and my mom saw the excrement on my hands.
#17 A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words
My family and I were watching a program on TLC about cavemen. There were actors dressed up like cavemen doing caveman things, as the narrator explained the scientific theories of what they thought their lives were like. My sister was just in awe watching this. Mouth slightly open, eyes open wide. During a commercial break, she asked the room, "How did they get the cameras back then?"
#18 Taking the Plunge
I had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his hometown the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet—which of course, I blocked up in the morning with a poop the size of Mt Fuji.
After 30 minutes of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a plunger and some bleach. Apparently, his girlfriend did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I'm not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.
#19 Good Grief
My mother and I were out walking and we came across an older couple we knew from the local church. Their eldest son had just passed from an inoperable brain tumor, and their younger son just moved out for university. Mum starts with, "Must be nice to have the house to yourself! More time for Church!"
The conversation devolves from there. She ignores all hints to drop the subject, including the mother stating they hadn't been back to the church since their son passed. The couple were obviously horrified. I couldn't end the convo quick enough. Afterward, my mother told me I was just being immature and had no conception of what "polite adult conversation" was like.
#20 Hearing Aid
While standing in line at the grocery store, I once let out a big toot, assuming that no one would hear it since everything in the store sounded muffled. As soon as I let it rip, everyone immediately turned around and started staring at me. That's when I realized the truth: It turned out that the sound was only muffled to me because I was listening to a podcast with my headphones.
#21 No Kids Allowed
My place of work has a 21 and over policy after 9 pm, and a group of people walked in. I immediately assumed they walked in with their child because I couldn’t see her over the counter. So I said, “Hey guys, I’m sorry but we’re 21 and over right now.” It turns out she had dwarfism. Oh my lord. I was so incredibly MORTIFIED.
#22 Dominant Genes
So I was in my room bending over to put dirty clothes into the laundry basket when my dog jumps onto my back and starts humping me. I get furious and decide, "Screw this, I'm gonna show him who's the leader of this pack!" So I whip him around and pretend to hump him from behind to freak him out and establish dominance.
Well, about three seconds into this my mom walks into my room asking for my dirty laundry. Of course, what perfect timing. The look on her face was something like horror mixed with sadness as she slowly backed away out of the room. Explaining my dominance theory did not help even a little bit. I’ll never live that one down.
#23 Driving the Point Home
In middle school, my crush's mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV. They even had similar license plates. After school one day, I ran up, hopped in my mom's car and started talking. When she didn't talk back and hadn't left the pickup row after about 30 seconds, I looked at her. What I saw made my blood run cold.
She was not my mom. I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I’m crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom.
#24 The Original Captain Underpants
When I was a young kid, we had a pajama day at school. Well, I always just wore my boxers to sleep. So guess what? I showed up to school in pretty much nothing but underwear. Why my mom allowed me to go in that way and even drove me there, I have no idea. It was the most embarrassing day of my life, and the school had to call my parents to come pick me up.
#25 Measure for Measure
I'm proud of this moment in time. I was a senior in high school enjoying free time at some area-wide track meeting when I walk by a group of kids from another school. Out of the blue, some guy in the group calls over to me. This guy tosses a nickel in front of me and says, "Hey dude, give that to your mom for me."
Me: "Huh?" Guy: "Don't worry about it, just tell her it was for last night." I finally cottoned on, and he got a few chuckles from his group. So I reply with an "Oh!" of recognition, smile, and pick up the nickel. I then reach into my pocket, pull out two pennies, and toss them at his feet. Me: "There you go."
Guy, sarcastically: "Oh, is this for my mom?" Me: "Nah, that's your change. My mom charges by the inch."
#26 It's Okay, I'm a Professional
Oh my god. I was beginning to become interested in women and I wrote down a list of jobs that I wanted to have when I was older. I thought the perfect job would be a professional chest massager. That was the top of my list. My parents found it and just didn't say a word. I've not heard them say anything about it ever again.
#27 Good Luck Explaining This One
I connected my phone to the car Bluetooth to play music during a road trip with four of my friends. For whatever reason, as soon as the Bluetooth connected, it immediately played the last video viewed on my phone. Yup, It was an adult video. Yup, still haven't been allowed to live that one down.
#28 Sitting in a Tree
This is still a traumatic memory to this day. One day, I decided to take a walk to this park near my house. I took a book to read and figured I'd enjoy a summer evening. So, I find my favorite tree to hide out in, and climb up to a comfy position high up in the branches. A couple of minutes later, I see some guy walking by in the park down below.
Well, clearly nature called him. Without noticing that there was someone sitting in the tree right above him, this man pulled down his pants...and took a massive stinking poop on the ground. So, I'm now stuck sitting there in the tree, having seen it all, realizing that I will have to climb down somehow with a massive human poop sitting right there.
Shutterstock
#29 Rolling With the Punches
I do freelance work at sporting events. One time, between setup and the time the game started, I was standing at the top of a large hill that led up to the building. I looked around to make sure that nobody else was there, then I laid down and rolled down that bad boy. Oh, I paid for it big time. I found out the next week that my boss had seen me, and had told everybody on the crew. They made fun of me forever.
#30 Act Your Age
My first job was at a grocery store, where one day a drunk, middle-aged woman was very loudly flipping out on my boss about a minor error in her holiday seafood order. Naturally, her screams drew a crowd, and after minutes of yelling, my boss stopped being apologetic. Like, he really let her have it in front of everyone…
Lady: "You are about to learn that you do not MESS with a 54-year-old woman!" Boss: "54? What's your daughter got to do with this?"
#31 Kissing Cousins
I accidentally matched with my cousin on Tinder. I was like "Wow, she is hot—wait a second, that's my cousin!" while rapidly swiping. It was too late. It all happened so fast and I had already swiped "yes" before I realized who she was. Same thing must have happened to her, because we matched. I just messaged her and said “We never speak of this, agreed?”
#32 What’s the Difference?
When I was seven years old, I saw thongs at Victoria’s Secret. I wanted one but my mom was like, “No, they're for adults.” That same day I was in my room and got a pair of my underwear and cut them so they would look like a thong. I put them on and started modelling them in front of the mirror. My mom opened the door and saw what I was doing. She just looked at me shook her head and walked out.
#33 Let’s Deconstruct This One...
There was a lot of construction going on in our house and, one fine morning, I forgot to lock the bathroom door before taking a bath. My back was facing towards the wall, but there was a glass vase through which I could see the reflection of the scene that was playing out behind me. One of the workers had accidentally walked into the room.
He froze upon realizing that I was in the middle of a bath. Now, at this point, I had one of two options to choose from: A) pretending I did not see him, or B) shriek like my life depended on it. I decided to go with option A because my mom would have almost certainly fired the poor guy who had accidentally seen her daughter naked. But then it got so much worse.
As I pretended not to know he was there and just continued on with my bath, he literally just stood there for 30 frozen, horrific seconds before running the heck away. If you think that was awkward, well, the truth is that guy had to work on the house for the next week, including my room. He literally couldn't look at me.
I would constantly have a smile-grimace hybrid on my face whenever I'd see him. On the third last day, when we passed each other in the hallway, he awkwardly gave me finger guns before scampering away like he'd just seen an octopus with the face of James Franco. Yep, the guy just simply never lived that one down.
#34 Something to Make Your Eyes Pop
A former coworker of mine had bad acne all over his face and neck. While I was sitting in my forklift waiting for pallets to come up the line one morning, I watched him pop a pimple on his neck. Except then right after he popped it, I watched him eat it. He clearly thought that no one was looking. It was a horrifying sight to behold.
#35 A Water Park
I was sitting in a McDonald’s parking lot late at night with my girlfriend in her car. All of a sudden, some guy walked up to go in the bushes right next to us, not seeing us sitting there and obviously assuming that the parking lot was empty at that hour. He proceeded to pull down his pants and start doing his business like it was nothing. It was me who messed it up.
Out of sheer panic, I honked as soon as I saw the first sign of a stream. He jumped in shock, went all over his pants and shoes, and walked away in shame. My girlfriend laughed uproariously and still does whenever I remind her of this little incident.
#36 That Didn’t Come in Handy
One night, I was sleeping next to my then-boyfriend and woke up because he moved. I opened my eyes without saying anything, and watched him scratch his butt with the same hand that he had been hugging me with, then proceed to smell his fingers. He then put his arm back around me again, and moved his hand very close to my face. It suddenly had this...butt smell.
#37 Chalk It up to Youth
So, when I was really little, maybe around five, I used to take pieces of chalk and stick them in my butt crack. After a while, the chalk would start to sting, and for some reason, I liked it. One day, I lodged a good three pieces in between my cheeks and went about my daily activities. At some point while playing, I broke a vase.
Since my dad wasn't home, my mom decided to give me a little spanking. She pulled down my pants, bent me over her knee, gave me a tender wallop on the rear. I braced for the second impact, but it never came. I looked around to see my mom staring at the ground, where two of my butt chalks had landed. Her jaw was on the floor.
Eventually, I got up and ran to my room, as my mom continued to sit motionless for a number of minutes. I never head anything about it after that, but I stopped the strange practice.
#38 The Truffle Shuffle of Shame
In seventh grade, some girl was wearing a Goonies shirt. I had no idea what it was, but it looked like a punk band or something and she was preppy, so my emo self tried to act offended and said, "Do you even listen to the Goonies?"
#39 An Old One and Not a Good One
This was in high school. She invited me to her house to have dinner with her family and I didn't know them very well yet. The conversation turned to names we thought were old-fashioned and ugly-sounding. We all threw out a few like Gertrude, Bertha, and Eugene. Then I said the one thing that ruined everything.
I said, "At least that one's not as bad as Deborah!" I used my ugly voice and everything. Her mom's name is Deborah. Her grandmother was also at the table with us.
#40 Sweet Disaster
We order a small snack for our coffee and as it's arriving at the table, he pulls out his Nokia phone. Trying to make a lighthearted joke, I say, "MAN, that has got to be the oldest phone I've seen in a while." I really dug it in, trying to break that awkward first date wall. Well, it turns out that it was not a Nokia, it was his insulin pump.
#41 Perfect Timing
One day at work, I had to pass gas really, really badly. Now, I could tell that this wasn't going to be a silent one that I could covertly crank out and then blame on my geriatric coworker. No, on this occasion I was legitimately afraid of blowing a literal hole in the back of my jeans. I got up and penguin-walked out the door, clenching my insides tightly.
After leaving the office, I realized that things were happening and that I wouldn't be able to make it all the way over to the restroom to let this monster out safely. I looked around and saw that there was nobody else in the hallway, so I sighed and let out the loudest, rumbliest toot that I have ever produced in my life.
My coworkers probably heard it, but assumed it was a passing semi truck blowing its horn. My stomach immediately felt better and my belt felt looser, that's how much gas was trapped in there. Satisfied, I turned around..and my jaw dropped. I see a woman from a different office standing in the hallway, still holding the door she had just emerged from.
She wore a look of sheer horror on her face, at once both nauseated by my boorish behavior and disgusted with herself for feeling impressed at the magnitude of my flatulence. "Hello!" I said, plastering a cheerful smile on my face. Before she could respond, I ran back to my desk and put my hoodie up. I never saw her again, thank God.
#42 Standing up for Yourself
Whenever my shift at work is quiet, I take a couple minutes’ break and go practice doing handstands on the nice grass by our building. I'm awful and can only hold it for about 2 seconds before I flip over and land hard on my behind. Last week, the security guy offhandedly mentioned that there's a security camera that points almost exactly at that location. He's been watching me handstand for about two weeks...
#43 No Hi, Mark
A guy from my office building is sort of "special," and he talks to himself a lot, but not much to other people. One day, a co-worker of mine asked, "Talking you yourself again, Kenny?” and then laughed stupidly. Without skipping a beat, Kenny replied, "Better than talking to you, Mark," and just kept walking down the hallway with no other response.
#44 Runaway Driver
I was working on one of those TV shows where you do stupid things in public and film people’s reactions. In the skit we were doing, a man would be jogging with a stroller containing a life-like baby doll, and I was going to hit him with a car. The jogger was wearing bright green—they dress funny on these shows so that you don't mix up the cast with pedestrians. So, I'm cruising up to the stop sign in a beat-up old ford, my adrenaline is really pumping.
This was my first time actually being involved in a skit. I see the bright green jumpsuit, and I rev it. When I realized what was happening, it was too late. I hit the wrong guy. It was just some dude jogging with his kid. I realized what happened when the guy I hit didn't jump onto the hood the way you're supposed to in these stunts.
I honestly don't remember anything about the incident after that, I was in shock. The dad had a few broken bones, the baby was fine. Needless to say, there was a huge settlement paid out. I'm currently pursuing an unrelated career.
#45 Overture, Curtain, Lights
I practically performed a one-woman musical while proofreading a book manuscript that my friend was working on. To help myself focus, I just casually started singing the entire text of the book. After a while, I started to get pretty into it and my singing became louder and more dramatic. When I got to the end, I realized that I had forgotten to hang up my phone and that my friend had been quietly listening to my entire performance…
#46 Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
I used to work in an office right next to a FedEx facility. Our windows were reflective, and faced the FedEx truck parking lot. Sometimes, we used to see FedEx employees change into their uniforms behind the trucks, not realizing that the mirrored surface that was right next to them was actually an office with about ten people watching them.
#47 Um…It’s a Prank?
When I was pretty young, I was really into art. So much so that I took art classes outside of school. I went to this one class with a woman who kept a giant library of reference materials. She allowed us to use them however we liked, including taking them home to do further work with. One time I was browsing through the collection and found a Playgirl magazine.
In my 16-year-old head, I thought it would be hilarious to take it home and then at a later date stick it unknowingly into a friend's dresser drawer or something, then pull it out in front of all our friends and say, "What the heck is this?!" Well, it never got that far because my mom found it first. That was awkward.
#48 An Image Aisle Never Forget
I was sitting at the end of a racking aisle at the grocery store where I work. All of a sudden, a guy comes around the corner, pulls down his pants, flicks on a rubber glove, and sticks some kind of pill into his behind. I don't know what was worse, having an old man’s privates swaying to and fro right in front of me, or the soulless grimace on his face while he was in full swing.
#49 A Shiny New Coat
When I was little, about three years old, there were a bunch of neighborhood kids and moms sitting around our yard hanging out. It was summer and we were playing with water, in our bathing suits, etc. Apparently, we were using paintbrushes to paint the sidewalk with water (such things kids did to amuse themselves before the internet).
Anyway, my mom is chatting with our neighbors and all of a sudden there's a uniformed officer coming up the driveway who asks for the mother of the little girl in the blue bathing suit, or whatever identifying clothing I was wearing. He pulls her aside and says, "I just want to let you know that your daughter is, well, painting herself with a paintbrush over there."
Yeah, I was squatting around behind my parents' truck "painting" my crotch with a dirty old paintbrush. The officer was worried I "might get an infection down there" if I kept at it. Luckily, I'm not old enough to remember this, but it was a favorite story of my mom to tell when I was growing up. Of course, it was, right?
#50 A Flowery Scene
When I was young, I had once heard that singing to flowers can help them grow. So, I was in my yard singing out loud to all of the flowers when the neighbor kid walked by and saw this. I was already viewed as the strange kid in my family by the entire neighborhood, and I just confirmed it to her as she walked past.
#51 World’s Worst Balloon
I heard the funniest story from my friend's mom. Apparently, she always loved to get her mom's purse and empty the content and play with whatever was in there—her interest was mostly her mom's lipstick and makeup, like every other little girl. Once when they had just come back from a family trip, she opens the purse and finds a condom.
She has no idea what it is. She opens it and thinks its a balloon and starts blowing it. Mom comes to the room, condom in her mouth trying to blow it up, and she turns around and asks her mom, “Why is the balloon so oily?” Her mom snatches the condom off her hands and gets super angry. She gives her a timeout and forbids her from ever touching her purse again.
She said it was not until she was in her 20s that she remembered the memory and realized what that balloon was.
#52 In the Privacy of His Own Car
I saw some random guy get about two knuckles deep into his own nose while sitting at a red light one afternoon. He had clearly assumed that either no one could see him or that no one would be paying attention to what he was doing. He was wrong. And he looked pretty embarrassed when he noticed me gawking at him.
#53 It’s All Fun and Games Until...
One day, I was taking a long leg cast off of a kid who was about three years old. After I got the cast split open, I started to pull it off, and the Mother suddenly said, "Oh, his toe fell off." I chuckled and replied, “Nice one,” thinking she was joking. She gave me a really angry look. It turned out that the kid had been in the cast because his small toe had been nearly amputated and then reattached.
The doctor was hoping that what tissue was still connected would be enough to vascularize the distal portion. It wasn't. The kid's toe had rotted and fallen off. Whoops.
Pxfuel
#54 Hitting the Bottle
I once saw a woman walk into a Victoria's Secret store, grab a sample spray bottle of perfume, and spray her armpits. Then, she looked around, made sure no one was looking (not noticing me somehow), and then proceeded to spray her entire body from top to bottom. She then threw the bottle down and hurried out of the store as fast as she could.
#55 The Icing on the Cake
This is one of my mother’s favorite stories. My sister had requested a cake from a specific shop that we'd never been to before, so our mom went in to order it. The kitchen was visible from the front of the shop, and one of the workers was icing a cake. Thinking that no one could see, she watched him do something utterly disgusting.
He licked the spatula and then continued icing the cake with it. Mom saw the whole thing, yet she still ordered a cake from that shop and we all ate it...We are disgusting too.
Wikimedia Commons, Michael Prudhomme
#56 Getting Nosy
I was waiting for an online interview to begin for an internship program that I had applied for. While the interviewer was away, I suddenly remembered that I still had my septum piercing on. Naturally, thinking that it might look unprofessional, I started trying to push it inside my nose before anyone could notice.
As I was adjusting the now hidden piercing, the interviewer came back online and saw me basically appearing to pick my nose like an idiot. We had an awful five seconds of silence before she decided to proceed with the interview as if nothing had happened. I got the internship and now have to avoid her around the company because she always seems to remember and look at me funny.
#57 Self-Indulgence
At parties, I would often dedicate a few minutes to giving myself a long look in the mirror with a smile for a confidence boost; but this one time, I saw another guy standing right beside me and doing the exact same thing. He was raising his eyebrow and smooching at himself in the mirror. When we each realized what was going on, there was a silent agreement between the two of us not to talk about it. I still wonder if he remembers.
#58 Potions Master
When I was about seven or eight I accidentally left the lid off of our dog food outside. It ended up raining that night. A couple of days later, it was infested with maggots. I didn't know how to get rid of bugs, so products I deemed as "harsh" or "dangerous" went into the dog food maggot soup. They had doubled by the next day.
So, I figured I'll burn them out. Poured some fuel for our weed whacker in and lit it up. The first initial flame was pretty impressive in size. But it scared me, so I grabbed our hose and sprayed it down. Within a week it was bubbling on its own. Hanging outside plants close to it started to rot. I eventually tried to move it. This turned into an enormous mistake.
My mom came out saw me trying to move it and smelled the terrible concoction. She decided to call the fire department. I don’t know if they misunderstood or thought it was currently on fire, but they sent two fire trucks, four patrol cars, and guys in full bodysuits. They shut down our whole block for hours. Yeah....
I broke down and confessed everything to one of the officers. Thinking for sure I was going to the big house, I apologized to my mom, hugged my dog, and gave her my favorite toy. Instead, I got a firm talking to by several adults and I guess they had to take my toxic mixture in the middle of nowhere and bury it. I was in trouble for so long.
#59 Whistling Dixie
Once while very drunk and very young, I needed to go to the bathroom and thought no one was around, so I peed in my pants by the campfire. Then I remembered that everyone would be able to see the stain when they got back. So to cover it up, I tried to whistle as a distraction. I’m not quite sure why I thought that whistling would succeed in masking it. It did not.
#60 After Me the Flood, Betches
I was in Paris with a couple of friends on the subway. I did not speak any French, only a little Spanish, but my friend was practically fluent. We were talking and joking in English, and these two French women were apparently talking smack about us in French, mostly about us being gross and dumb Americans, all that.
So as we left the subway, my friend smiled and told them in perfect French: "We're going to go get cleaned up, too bad there's no shower for your personality!"
#61 Circular Logic
I was at my office, maybe a week or so into a cool new job. I shared the space with two of the bosses, but I was alone because everyone had left for lunch. So, I started spinning around in my chair just for the heck of it. Like, spinning HARD. Then, I suddenly hear a tap on the window and it's my boss who had forgotten his wallet. I couldn't look at him for the rest of the day.
#62 Liar, Liar Pants on Fire
So, I was around 14 years old. I had just discovered dirty content on the internet and was home alone. Thing is, the only computer we had in the house was in the living room, and the living room was right in your face as soon as you would enter the house from the main entrance. It was a challenge I was willing to take up. Yes, this was the dumbest thing ever.
So, I was doing my stuff when I heard the key enter in the lock outside the door. I did not have time to pull my pants all the way back up. My whole family entered the room to see me staring at nothing else other than the Windows home screen. In a complete panic, I stood up and my pants almost fell right off.
I grabbed them right in time for my mom to ask me, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" In a panic, I just brushed it off and said, "THESE PANTS ARE WAY TOO BIG I THINK I NEED NEW BELTS!" A few days later I was shopping with my mom for new belts. I kept telling myself they bought my story, but now that I'm older...I just know they knew and it haunts me to this day.
#63 Coming out of His Shell
When I was a young child, I viewed time spent in the bathroom as an opportunity to read books or just have a moment of quiet contemplation. One time during one of these extended toilet sessions of mine, I suddenly got the bright idea to try and use the toilet paper to make a Ninja Turtles-style mask for myself. Don’t ask me why!
As soon as I had torn the eye holes in and wrapped the thing around my head, the door opened and my dad walked in. We made awkward eye contact with each other for what felt like minutes, and then, without a word being spoken, he slowly backed out and closed the door. I still remember the whole scene clearly even though it was more than 20 years ago.
#64 The Great Outdoors
Back when I was still living with my mom, she once had one of her friends come up for the week with her son. There wasn't enough room in the house for them to stay inside, so they decided to camp out in the backyard. Now, I was working in construction at the time, and had to get up pretty early to get ready.
One morning, while I was putting my lunch together, I looked out the kitchen window to see my mom's friend squatting over a plastic bag, taking a poop into it right there out in the open. It was without a doubt one of the most disgusting things that I've ever seen. But it was far from over. She proceeded to walk inside the house with her bag of fresh poop to get rid of it.
She stopped in her tracks with a look of horror on her face when she realized that I was up and watching the whole thing. To this day, there’s one thing I can’t understand: if her plan was to come inside to get rid of it anyway, then why couldn't she just walk inside and use the fully functional toilet in the first place? It haunts me.
#65 Open-Door Policy
I once had a terribly annoying itch around my private area, so I pulled down my underwear to give it a scratch. Unfortunately, I forgot that my bedroom door was open...and that my parents were entertaining family friends in the living room. I was 13 years old at the time. I wanted to literally end myself right then and there when I realized what I had just done.
#66 Letter of the Law
During my maturing days as a 14-year-old boy, I had discovered some inappropriate materials online, but I was unaware that people could check the browser history...on the family computer. As awkward as this is to admit, my primary interest at the time was in a website called “My Friend’s Hot Mom,” which I would frequently visit in my spare time.
Then, one night at dinner, my parents sat us kids down to talk to us about something very disturbing that they found in the browser history. They had very serious looks on their faces. Naturally, having grown up in a very religious home with two other brothers, I knew that my secret obsession had been found out.
But then my parents began to talk to us about violence and their worry about the glorification of it online, etc. I was very confused at this point, as this was not the discussion I had been expecting. My mother, obviously extremely jolted by what she found online, blurted out something that made me figure out everything at once.
"I'm just very worried because someone in this family has been looking at a website called “My Friend Shot Mom” and it's made me very uncomfortable!" I immediately realized that she had misunderstood what the website was and didn't say a single word to correct her. In my head, this still meant they hadn't found me out at all. Crisis averted.
#67 This Impression Doesn’t Hold Water
My little brother once went to nursery and told his teachers about how his dad acts at home. To demonstrate, he pretended to drink from a bottle, loudly said "glug, glug, glug" then fell over backward. My step-dad isn't at all an alcoholic, and hardly ever drinks, especially not at home. He was absolutely mortified when he found out.
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#68 Can’t Touch This
I had a popular girl ask me on the school bus if I was gay. All her friends were waiting in anticipation to laugh at my response, and I was worried I was going to blank on a comeback and not be able to save myself from the embarrassment. Thankfully, my brain came up with: "I'd like to think I could do a lot better than you if I was."
#69 Why Is It Always Dare?
One day I was at home, thinking I had the house to myself for the weekend. I decided it would be really cool to poop with the door open. I could mess with the neighbors, and I could have so many people over and party all Saturday night and all that good stuff. Well, Saturday night rolls around, about 60 people are in my house.
The ratio was, of course, around two girls to every guy. I take all credit for this. Well, truth or dare came up and because I was the host I had to go first. Well, the girl who first dared me decided it would be funny for me to be sitting naked. Thankfully I was actually skinny back then and have always been lucky enough to have an above-average piece.
So I did it. I stayed naked until my next turn. Then the freaking jerk guy who got to choose my dare said I had to poop in a bag and light it on fire on someone's doorstep. Well, the girls decided that I had to do it while naked. So, I chugged my beer, took two more good shots, and went to go find a paper bag.
I came bag with the bag of poop, after showering really quickly. They picked a house out for me, and I walked up bare freaking naked. Lit the bag, and turned to run. Then all of a sudden a pair of headlights were shining on me. It was my parents, who had come back early because my neighbors called them and told them about the party.
On top of that, I lit the bag on the porch of the house my little sister was staying at…
#70 Smile for the Cameraman
I used to work in a grocery store in the photo lab back when developing film. I could see out over the entire store without any of the customers seeing me. When it wasn't busy, I would just sit there and watch the people in the aisles. You know all the things you do in an aisle when you think you're the only one there? I saw it. Picking your nose? Saw that. Adjusting your wedgie? Saw that too. Breaking out into dance? Yep.
#71 The Winds of Change
When I was seven, I was at a crowded McDonald’s near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line that was waiting to order food and I accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids. She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice, “Well excuuuuse me." My seven-year-old self responded with the most hilarious thing I could think of.
"Why, did you fart?" A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a seven-year-old. To this day, I have no idea why I said it, but I'm really glad I did.
#72 Rebel Without a Cause
Mom caught me about to drink my pee when I was like four. I don’t know why the heck I wanted to drink it. I peed into my "bathroom cup" that I used to rinse my mouth when brushing my teeth.
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#73 Beware the Two-Way Mirror
I was once in a meeting in my client’s boardroom. The boardroom was at ground level and the exterior glass was mirrored on the outside, but see-through from the inside. In the middle of the meeting, some sketchy looking dude comes over on the other side of the glass and starts picking his teeth in the mirror.
He looks left, looks right, sees that he has privacy. Then his actions scar us for life. He decides to whip out his private stuff to start intensely inspecting them in the mirror. My client just got up, walked directly over to the glass, and gave a little rap on the window in front of him. He immediately pulled his pants up and walked away.
#74 A Boy Only a Mother Could Love
When I was in middle school many years ago, a guy was teasing an awkward kid about not being able to get girls, being "gay," and never being able to get laid. Another guy spoke up and said, “Dude, you ain’t had a woman since a woman had you.” The entire class and the teacher started laughing. The original guy shut the heck up.
#75 No-Clip Zone
When I was a child, starting around six, I would volunteer usher at a classic older theater for concerts, plays, comedy, magic, movies, etc. It was something we all did as a family. Really fun; the patrons got a kick out of the kid in the dress clothes; and I got to see David Copperfield, Zappa, Cats, all kinds of great stuff.
I also got a sense of independence by getting to be off on my own and having some responsibilities. I can't explain this, but early on in doing this, I became obsessed with clipping the bowtie from my usher outfit on things. Books, LPs, the cat; nothing was sacred. It wasn't too long until the bowtie went on my ding-dong.
The pain was excruciating, and what was worse was that I couldn't manage to get that alligator toothed jerk open again. I don't know if it was from the clumsiness of childish hands or being paralyzed by pain, but my only recourse was to call for my mother for assistance. We've obviously never spoken of this since, but my debt to her for 20 hours of labor pales in comparison to this.
#76 Jerry, Jerry!
I was hanging out with a friend, out walking, and we ran into someone he knew from a while ago. They chatted for a minute, and then my friend asked, “How’s Jerry doing?” Without missing a beat, his friend replied, completely deadpan, “Oh he's dead.” I burst out laughing, and the guy looked at me as if I was the most inappropriate person in the world. He was not joking. Jerry was gone.
#77 Funny You Should Say That...
One of my animal shelter buddies messaged me some text and two pictures over Facebook. I didn't scroll up to the text; I only saw the one pic, which was a very funny looking dog. It was a fat Chihuahua that had a very bewildered look on its face. I replied "LMFAO" and then forgot about it. A couple of hours later, I looked again. I actually scrolled up that time and saw the text. That's when my horrific mistake dawned on me.
It provided backstory to the picture of the funny-looking dog. A man had passed and my friend was trying to rehome his two dogs…to which I had replied LMFAO. So, I'm an idiot. I tried to explain and apologize, but I still think she's a bit salty about that.
#78 A Lovely Teacher
A teacher whose name I don't even know at my son's daycare said, "Bye, love you too," after I told my son, "Love you buddy, have a good day," on my way out. I'm pretty sure she had a morning full of cringe.
#79 Dancing Like No One’s Watching
I used to deliver newspapers. One Sunday, I got the papers extremely early, and went to deliver them to my Sunday-only customers at around 3 in the morning. When I would deliver papers that early in the morning, I would always lift my paper up and smile so that the customers realized who I was and didn’t think I was there to rob them.
On that particular morning, as I approached this one house, I noticed some movement inside behind the front window. Cue the smile and raised newspaper as I approached. I then made direct eye contact with the shirtless, middle aged customer who had been vigorously shaking his large potbelly like a madman, thinking that no one could see.
When I reached the porch, I just smiled and dropped the paper down. The man immediately ran out of the room as fast as he possibly could. I was thinking to myself, "No dude. Don't run away. Do your thing. I'm just a paperboy. Don't let me dictate how you live your life!" Sadly, this gentleman was apparently so embarrassed that he canceled his newspaper subscription the following week.
#80 Belt It out, Granny
My dear grandmother. She had a quick and savage wit. My fiancé and I held a “meet the whole family” get-together at my house. It was the first time his father met my grandmother. His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beer gut. He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiancé was a mischief-maker when he was young.
He then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip him for being bad. My frail little grandmother stares directly at my husband’s dad's tummy and says, "Your belt? However could you find it?" Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.
#81 This One's Cheesy
When I was five or six mom said I couldn't have any more cheese so I sneakily took the whole brick without them seeing. I went into the bathroom and my mom walked in on me just biting big chunks out of it like some sort of mouse boy. My brothers don't let me live that down, and they bring it up as often as they possibly can.
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#82 And Then There’s Darrell
I accidentally mixed up an inside joke with the wrong friend group, with disastrous results. Friend group #1: The “joke” was when someone calls and asks who’s all there, we would add Darrell to the list of names. Darrell wasn’t a real person. The joke wasn’t really funny, and made no sense out of context, but I guess that’s why it was an inside joke.
Friend group #2: I was hanging out playing some drinking games with a bunch of people who I hadn’t hung out with in a while. It was a kind of get together to remember a friend they had who had recently perished in a car accident. I didn’t know him that well, but I was always down to party. Anyway, the phone rings, and the person who answered started listing off names.
Sorting my cards for another round of President, I offhandedly said, “heh and Darrell!” It was the typical record-scratch moment where everyone stopped and looked at me. Except then it got even more awkward. Darrell was the name of the friend who had just passed. This happened in 2002 and I still think about it all the time.
#83 The Butt of the Joke
My husband and I had an inside joke. Whenever someone lost something, the other person always asked, "Have you checked inside your butt?" I was in a meeting at work in my conservative and traditional corporate office one day, and a co-worker said, "I can't find my pen." Without any thought or hesitation I quickly responded, "Have you checked inside your butt?"
#84 Caught in the Rain
I was running late for class and rushing through campus in the rain when I happened to see a guy with a pretty heavy looking backpack. He was standing in front of a puddle, looking like he was about to jump off a diving board. He was rocking his arms, bending his knees enough to look like he was gonna sit down for a poop, and everything.
I quickly realized that, instead of just walking around it, this guy was planning to try and jump over this huge puddle. I watched him prep himself for a good 20 seconds. Eventually, he attempted said jump, slipped backwards due to his huge backpack, and got absolutely soaked. I feel bad admitting this, but I laughed quite hard.
#85 Fun With Dick and Jane
In high school math class, there was this nice, nerdy guy named Richard. The jerk of the class, let’s call him John, keeps calling Richard "Dick." Like, "Hey, Dick, did you get the answer to #4?" Richard keeps calmly saying "It's Richard." Finally, the teacher says, "Richard, what do you prefer to be called?" and waits for him to respond.
Richard says, "I prefer Richard." John says, "Well, I prefer Dick." After a few seconds of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, John realized what he said and sunk as far down into his seat as possible and never bugged Richard again. We were teenagers in the 80s, so this really was the height of hilarity in class.
#86 Bathroom Break
Working in large corporate parks during the recession, there were lots of huge office spaces with barely any residency. So, I used to go to a restroom in a building across from mine that had zero occupancy. Every time I went over there to use it, I never ran into anybody and always had complete quiet. One day, though, the timer on the lights in the bathroom turned off due to lack of motion.
I thought "no biggie." I was so, so wrong. I got up out of the stall and attempted to move around so that the lights would come back on. For whatever reason, though, they weren't coming on. So, I ventured further out towards the sinks. I started moving my hands up and down while simultaneously shouting “Hayyy Hoooooo” just for the fun of it.
After a little bit of this, the lights turn on. I'm still waving around for a few seconds afterwards, thinking to myself how silly I must look with my pants and underwear down to my ankles in a public bathroom waving my hands in the air. That's when I suddenly heard the worst sound: The bathroom door closing.
Some poor, confused individual must have walked into that bathroom and seen some crazy businessman with his pants down to his ankles waving his hands in the air and yelling “Hayyyy Hooooo” and decided to just abruptly walk back out before getting into some kind of incident. Can’t say I’ve ever been more embarrassed than that.
#87 Slippery When Wet
Oh God…here goes. Working at McDonald's three years ago, little kid spills coke on the floor. I happily wander over to clean it up. Mop that stuff up lightning fast with a smile and everybody is happy. Go behind the counter and retrieve the “slippery when wet” sign to place over the newly-cleaned area, and when I get there, distracted by something, I slip!
My foot slips out like a javeline and kicks a baby's high chair, the baby's head whiplashes against his table so hard both of his shoes fall right off. I just stared in horror at the family. I place the sign down like an idiot and run back behind the kitchen for my dear life. Then I proceeded to crack up in the most maniacal nervous laughter accented with breaths of horror. What had I done?!
#88 Revisionist History
Last week, I was in the separate bathroom at work, “pooping” and just buying some time until the end of the day. I accidentally had the door unlocked and this coworker opened it and saw me on the toilet. I didn’t know what to say, so I just said “Hi!?."
#89 Going for a Ride
I was walking into a dorm building with a friend one time, and she saw one of our friends coming into the dorm a few hundred feet behind us. She decided to scare him, so she hid behind a big pillar right near the entrance. The guy walked through the door, and she jumped onto his back, grabbed him around the neck, and started smacking his butt, yelling "Giddyup, Cowboy!"
The guy flipped out and got my friend off of his back. At that moment, her blood ran cold. It was not our friend, it was just some random, strange guy. My friend turned bright red and ran up the stairs without saying a word. From then on, that guy would see her sometimes in the halls and say "Hi, Cowgirl" and she was always way too shy to reply.
#90 An Unexpected Burn
The guy who picked on me in high school was tiny. Like under 5’ tall. Meanwhile, I was 6'3" tall at the time so he would always pick on me, throw stuff at my head, push me around, stuff like that. I never fought back because I hate aggression, even though I had so much heft on him and totally could have put him in his place.
Anyway, one day we were in a class together when the class went on lock down. It wasn't a drill, but we were told the campus wasn't in danger either. So, jokingly, I said "I know why we're locked down, maybe the zombie apocalypse started.” The dude immediately replies, "You idiot, zombies aren't real." So I shot back something that made him shut up entirely.
"Yeah well, we didn't think hobbits were real, but you’re standing here, aren't you?” The best part was that after that, he lunged at me and got in trouble.
#91 Take a Hike
In terms of real life, a buddy of mine was talking to this girl we all knew, and they'd been getting pretty flirty. So, the decision was made to invite her camping with us in the hopes one of them would make a move. Flash forward to that night and our buddy did seemingly everything he could to screw it up—spilled beer on her, stuck his finger in her mouth for no reason while she had a look of what the heck is going on here.
Finally, somehow, she still didn't hate him and toward the end of the night, he tried to kiss her and headbutted her pretty darn hard because he moved in too fast. After this, they had a talk because this girl was apparently the crown princess of second chances, and he threw up on her. Obviously, this was God's way of intervening.
#92 Nice Save
One time I went to send my buddy a picture of this girl I matched with on a dating app. Derp no. I accidentally sent it to her instead. Talk about freaking panic mode. Felt like the biggest creepy tool ever. My saving grace was that the picture wasn’t just of her, and had some of her friends in it. She texted, “Why did you send me this?” My mind worked at the speed of light to recover the situation.
I responded with “Who is the girl to your left? She looks super familiar. What’s her name?” even though I had never seen her in my life. My buddy still rips me to this day about it.
#93 Lost and Found
I was at a holiday party at a friend’s house I had never been to, in a swanky neighborhood I was unfamiliar with. There were completely illegible house numbers plastered somewhere illogical. I parked on the street and had to walk through those newer construction townhomes with ridiculously long staircases and two-inch tall house numbers.
Heard a party going on and thought, "Welp, this has to be them, who else would be having a party with this many people over?" I Waltz right in, say hi to the dog, start chatting with various people, grab a drink and start thinking, “Hmm. I should recognize at least three people here. I wonder where they are?” Then it hit me. I was not in the right house.
The hosts were super cool about it, knew my friends and pointed me in the direction of their actual house. I met up with my friends and regaled them with this story of confusion. It was wildly embarrassing, but swiftly forgotten after a few drinks.
#94 You Had One Job
Back in the dark ages, I worked for a small-town daily newspaper. There was one large discount store that refused to advertise with us, and would only use the other paper in town (our sole rival), which was more of a "weekly shopper"-type paper. For unknown reasons, the store finally decided to give our paper a chance.
Ad ran, and there in the double-truck, full-color ad, was "Men's shirts $9.99"—minus the ever-important R in "shirts." Yep. Needless to say, they stuck with the other paper.
#95 Nailed It
I still have nightmares about this date. When I was about 20 or so, I got a date with a girl who I really liked, she was exactly my type and I couldn't believe my luck. We met in a local pub for a few drinks and things were great. I was getting all the good signs with lots of hand touching and the like. An hour of pure bliss went by and I needed to pee.
After washing my hands, I went to the hand dryer only to find that it didn't work. I wanted to dry my hands because I wanted more of the hand-holdy stuff. Then I had the single stupidest idea of my life. I thought, "I can fix this!" and put my hand inside the nozzle of the dryer. WHY!? WHY!? Obviously, I got buzzed by the electric heating element, fell back, and cracked my head on the wall.
I didn't get knocked out but I needed a few minutes to sort myself out before going back. I didn't have the guts to tell her what had happened; dumb idea number two. I had a banging headache and I wasn’t quite right. Not much later she made her excuses and left and turned me down when I asked her for a second date. A year or so later I found out she had told her friend that she really liked me, but I went to the toilet and came out acting really weird and she "wasn't up for dating someone on drugs."
#96 A Super Screwup
Back in high school, I had a job as a web designer at a small webshop servicing non-profit organizations. My bosses didn't let on that I was as young as I was, and they handled all the face-to-face client meetings. My job basically entailed designing and preparing the website for our clients. One of our big clients was the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation.
I sliced up the site and put in filler text, knowing full well that only people coming from our internal IP would be able to see the development. I should mention that my company was small, close-knit, and had a great (albeit vulgar) sense of humor. Rather than going the standard lorem ipsum route, I did the worst thing imaginable.
I instead filled in something along the lines of "Herp derp I'm Christopher Reeve, I drive myself with a straw. Weaknesses include kryptonite and falling off horses." It got worse, but I'll let your imaginations fill in the blanks. There were about four paragraphs of filler text. I came into work after school one day and all three of my company's owners/my bosses were waiting for me.
I thought they were pulling some prank, but they asked me to come into their office. At this point, I knew something was definitely up. My boss: "Chris and Dana saw the site." Me: "What? Who?" Him: "CRPF. Chris and Dana Reeve. The director wanted to show them the progress. Apparently he didn't check before he showed it to him in person."
At this point, I think my stomach hit the floor and kept going straight on to the Earth's core. My boss told me he'd let me know what the next steps were, but just to know that I was in deep, deep trouble. Anyway, I didn't get fired (despite how adamant Dana Reeve was about that fact) and I had to write an apology to the Reeves.
I found out later that Chris actually had a pretty solid sense of humor and thought it was funny. RIP, Mr. and Mrs. Reeve.
#97 Letting It Go
I wore a brand new dress to work one day with a really full skirt on it. I thought it looked beautiful. So, during the afternoon, when I was in the bathroom all alone, I grabbed the sides of my skirt to swish it back and forth. I twirled, and swished, and twirled while watching myself in the mirror. I was having an absolute blast.
Then, all of a sudden, in walked the Deputy Superintendent just in time to witness part of my performance. Instant mortification. I avoid her constantly now.
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#98 Doing the Legwork
So back in high school, there was a girl who sat behind me in Spanish class who loved to put her feet against the back of my chair and push. It was annoying for me, so I would always turn around and slap her legs so she could know to drop her feet. She would do it so much that I got into the habit of just slapping her legs without even turning.
So one day, I feel her feet on the back of my chair as usual and throw back a slap without looking. Her legs felt oddly soft, but I thought I was just imagining things. Her feet remain up against my chair, so I throw an even harder slap. It's still soft. I turn around to see what’s going on.
I had slapped my Spanish teacher's butt. Twice. She stared at me in shock, said nothing, and then just proceeded to act like it never happened.
#99 Falling for This One
One time, I was taking a poop and feeling very faint. I started getting cold sweats, feeling dizzy and light headed. In a panic, I shouted for my wife to come help me. As she entered the room, I proceeded to faint. I fell off the toilet and rolled my body onto my side to prevent injury. Mid-fall, a solid poop torpedoed out of my butt across the floor—leaving a trail of smear.
When I came to, my wife was standing there in shock. I got up, grabbed some toilet paper, picked up my shame and we never spoke of it again.
#100 What’s in Your Toy Box?
I once purchased some embarrassing "toys" online and had them delivered to my home address. I came home one day to find the parcel containing these items open sitting on my bed. With them was a note. Its contents made my heart sink. It was a message from my mother saying "Sorry, I thought this was my parcel!"
I still cringe whenever I think about it. I tried to deflect the whole thing by texting her to ask if she had any wrapping paper I could use for "the joke present I bought for my friend's 21st birthday party." Eurghhhh…
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#101 Nip It In the Bud
This is funny now that I think of it, but at the time it happened it was quite embarrassing. I was put in the cheerleading class by mistake at the beginning of tenth grade. It was glorious at first, because I was the only guy in the middle of 20+ beautiful girls, all in tights, dancing around me. However, I started getting bored just sitting in a corner all class till the bell rang...
So I started playing with my left nipple for some reason without even noticing—till I saw like five of those beautiful girls looking at me and laughing. Then it hit me. I was holding my nipples with the tips of my fingers.
#102 The Seven Seas of Regret
I was stuck on a cruise ship for three days after my friend proposed to his girlfriend on the first freaking day and she said no. That same first night she made out with some random guy in the hot tub. I'm honestly not sure how devastated my friend actually was, but it was intensified by the fact that he'd drink himself stupid daily by 2 pm, which would lead to him going to beg her to get back with him.
At one point, she was sitting on the new guy’s lap at the bar and he grabbed her hand and “confessed his love for her” for what must have been the fifth time in two days. It was a constant battle of trying to pull him away and convince him to either go to sleep or come with us to another part of the ship. He is a good friend, so I felt terrible for him, ‘cause that was super awful on her part and tried to help him all he would allow, but it was awful to watch.
By the end of the cruise, the entire boat it seemed like knew what had happened. When I tried to bring it up with my girlfriend (who was on the cruise with me as well) days after we got home, she straight up refused to talk about it, saying that was painful enough at the time so we never need to speak of it.
References: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Source: Factinate
